Top Four Things You Should Never Say To a Woman/Couple Going Through Infertility by Stephanie Baffone

Sadly, I know of what I speak. As a woman who braved the rough seas of infertility (ultimately treatment was unsuccessful) and as a therapist who supports those navigating them, I provide the following testimony.

Notwithstanding people’s benevolence the subsequent attempts at encouragement should be avoided at all costs because like it or not they feel like admonitions.

Drum roll please…I feel a little like David Letterman!

1. Relax
Ok, seriously? Relax? Yes, you could write to share with me all the scientific evidence that purports relaxation is a successful therapeutic adjunct, not just for infertility but for a multitude of ailments. I do not dispute that. I meditate myself and teach it to my clients. However, oodles of people with excitable personalities conceive without difficulty. When people say this to us the implication is blame. Rest assured, those of us struggling with infertility can handle the critical self-talk singularly. Please say this at your own risk 

2. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
In no way do I mean to disparage adoption. It is a miraculous option for many families and children. But when you say this to us, it can feel invalidating. It comes across as though the idea of adoption is and should be a panacea for the natural desire to conceive, carry and birth biological children. Apart from having the very real potential to be equally disappointing, it is not an easy process (I know this from working on the front lines of an adoption agency). I acknowledge this is in most cases an attempt to offer a solution to a friend or family member for whom you feel helpless. For that much, we are grateful. May I offer an alternative? Simply say “I feel helpless, I am sorry you are experiencing this struggle.”

3. You guys are trying too hard.
I’ve heard this, my clients have heard this. Generally this one goes along with “relax.” Again, better to just say you are sorry we are having a hard time.

4. My friends did IVF and it worked for them. Why don’t you just do IVF until it works?IVF is expensive, not without risk and depending on a host of factors can have a less than stellar success rate. I see in my practice couples who took second mortgages out on their homes with no luck. Success stories spread like wildfire but the failed attempts don’t typically make the spotlight. In my experience, there is a myth perpetuated that the success rate of IVF is proportionate to the number of attempts. Sadly, the success rates become dismal the more times you have to try it.

I beg your indulgence with my snarky post. I recognize having to sit on the sidelines and watch a friend or family member go through the morass of infertility can render one helpless. When a sense of powerlessness consumes us, the tendency is to dig deep in our repertoire of support statements and offer a solution. While we appreciate your sincerity, sticking with the old standard, “I’m so sorry. This must be terrible” is fail proof.

Infertility is a loss that needs to be grieved and mourned. Most other circumstances of loss bring casseroles not criticism. It would be terrific if others started to extend those same courtesies to the infertile. We already feel broken enough on own our own. We’d prefer if you helped glue us back together, not kick us while we’re down.

Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC is a therapist and writer in private practice. She is working on a memoir, “Doris, Sophia and Me: A Memoir About A Mother Who Didn’t Live Long Enough and A Daughter Who Was Never Born.” She loves having visitors at her blog Stephanie’s Stories.