Top Four Things You Should Never Say To a Woman/Couple Going Through Infertility by Stephanie Baffone

Sadly, I know of what I speak. As a woman who braved the rough seas of infertility (ultimately treatment was unsuccessful) and as a therapist who supports those navigating them, I provide the following testimony.

Notwithstanding people’s benevolence the subsequent attempts at encouragement should be avoided at all costs because like it or not they feel like admonitions.

Drum roll please…I feel a little like David Letterman!

1. Relax
Ok, seriously? Relax? Yes, you could write to share with me all the scientific evidence that purports relaxation is a successful therapeutic adjunct, not just for infertility but for a multitude of ailments. I do not dispute that. I meditate myself and teach it to my clients. However, oodles of people with excitable personalities conceive without difficulty. When people say this to us the implication is blame. Rest assured, those of us struggling with infertility can handle the critical self-talk singularly. Please say this at your own risk 

2. “Why don’t you just adopt?”
In no way do I mean to disparage adoption. It is a miraculous option for many families and children. But when you say this to us, it can feel invalidating. It comes across as though the idea of adoption is and should be a panacea for the natural desire to conceive, carry and birth biological children. Apart from having the very real potential to be equally disappointing, it is not an easy process (I know this from working on the front lines of an adoption agency). I acknowledge this is in most cases an attempt to offer a solution to a friend or family member for whom you feel helpless. For that much, we are grateful. May I offer an alternative? Simply say “I feel helpless, I am sorry you are experiencing this struggle.”

3. You guys are trying too hard.
I’ve heard this, my clients have heard this. Generally this one goes along with “relax.” Again, better to just say you are sorry we are having a hard time.

4. My friends did IVF and it worked for them. Why don’t you just do IVF until it works?IVF is expensive, not without risk and depending on a host of factors can have a less than stellar success rate. I see in my practice couples who took second mortgages out on their homes with no luck. Success stories spread like wildfire but the failed attempts don’t typically make the spotlight. In my experience, there is a myth perpetuated that the success rate of IVF is proportionate to the number of attempts. Sadly, the success rates become dismal the more times you have to try it.

I beg your indulgence with my snarky post. I recognize having to sit on the sidelines and watch a friend or family member go through the morass of infertility can render one helpless. When a sense of powerlessness consumes us, the tendency is to dig deep in our repertoire of support statements and offer a solution. While we appreciate your sincerity, sticking with the old standard, “I’m so sorry. This must be terrible” is fail proof.

Infertility is a loss that needs to be grieved and mourned. Most other circumstances of loss bring casseroles not criticism. It would be terrific if others started to extend those same courtesies to the infertile. We already feel broken enough on own our own. We’d prefer if you helped glue us back together, not kick us while we’re down.

Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC is a therapist and writer in private practice. She is working on a memoir, “Doris, Sophia and Me: A Memoir About A Mother Who Didn’t Live Long Enough and A Daughter Who Was Never Born.” She loves having visitors at her blog Stephanie’s Stories.

Guest Post

I would like to introduce everyone to Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC is a therapist and writer in private practice. She is working on a memoir, “Doris, Sophia and Me: A Memoir About A Mother Who Didn’t Live Long Enough and A Daughter Who Was Never Born.” She loves having visitors at her blog Stephanie’s Stories.

Stephanie is writing a guest post for me and I am really excited about it. I met her through my blog and the thing that we both have in common going through infertility. I am grateful to have met her and hope everyone enjoys her post as much as I did.

Thank you Stephanie!

Sadie

Sadie (our dog) is a character. She keeps us entertained. Aaron has been doing some painting at his rental properties and no matter what area Aaron paints it seems to be the exact spot that Sadie wants to slid down the wall to take a nap. Needless to say she is covered with paint. Maybe she wants to be a skunk or something and wants that white strip down her black coat. She also likes to roll in anything that smells bad. When she is done rolling in it she comes to you and looks so proud. She is saying don't I smell good. I am such a good girl!!
I also have to tell you the story when Aaron was priming our deck and when he was all finished he was cleaning up his supplies and Sadie walked up the steps went across the deck and lied down. She was so happy just lying in the sun and feeling the cool breeze while she is lying in primer. She had paint on all her paws, the paint completely covered her belly.

Thank you Sadie for keeping us laughing everyday! We love you!

The flat tire

It was dark around 38 degrees outside and pouring rain. I pulled out of the driveway and noticed that something was wrong my car wasn't driving correctly. I got to a lit area and found out that my tire was flat. I drove a little further to get to the gas station. I pulled up to air my tire up and seen my tire in the well lit gas station. I managed to completely destroy my tire. I am very lucky that I didn't damage the rim but now here I am at the gas station and it is cold and pouring down rain. I had to walk home from the gas station because my tire was so bad. I am lucky that the gas station isn't that far but it really wasn't what I had in mind that day.

I started to call around trying to find a place that I could buy a tire from so I could continue my day but it wasn't that easy. I could not find a tire for my car anywhere. I ended up having to order the tires and it takes 2 days for deliver. So now I am down to one day lost because of my tire and now I am looking at another day lost because I need to have my tires installed. Needless to say last week was a week I would like to forget about. I guess you can say it wasn't my week. Everything is good now but I just hate wasting my days and others due to one tire. Hope your week was better than mine and I hope this week is better for me than last.

The goldfish in our backyard pond

This is a nice relaxing video of our small pond in the backyard. We have 5 goldfish that have really gotten big.

You don't know what hard work is until your a mom

The title was of a bumper sticker someone seen and I wanted to address it.

I don't want to take away from this because I am 120% sure there is hard work being a mom. I just want you to see the other side. Those who want to be mom's and are not. It takes a lot of hard work going through infertility. You have to work hard to save the money needed to go to the specialist. You spend all your time eating the right stuff, trying every wives tail to make it work, researching everything you can about all the different medications and procedures, all the success stories hoping you will be the next success story. Then after all the medications and procedures you try and are unsuccessful you go through a grieving process each time. I think about all the procedures and all the medications and all the time spent the hardest part is when that pregnancy test is negative. I don't think you can ever get over that feeling. Month after month feeling the loss of a baby.

I am so happy for those of you who become moms and I know you have been through a lot during pregnancy and all the work you have done through their childhood. I just don't want anyone to forget the one's who are going through infertility.

Good rule of thumb stop behind the white line at at red light!

Yesterday was just another typical day driving home from work. I am driving toward the next stop light that just turned red. I am slowing down to stop but I don’t know what was going on with my judgment of distance. Here I am slowing down getting towards the red light and I am about to stop and realize I am in the middle of the street. What the heck was I doing I am sure what the other drivers behind me were thinking. I ended up just driving through the red light but what a relief that I picked the light that there is hardly ever any traffic coming the other way. I was so embarrassed imaging the drivers behind me wondering what was that “woman driver” doing? Everything turned out ok but luck was on my side.